Art (c) 2005 Daphne Buter
Music by Paul A. Toth

Tiger Dog Horse McFadden

by Julie Ann Shapiro


(The words in capitals were extracted from a junk email offering naughty pictures of a woman who “loved” tiger, dog, and horse.)

STAFFERS at a mental hospital AUDITED a room with a crazy man named STUART, who said the room was CONDONED by a BALLERINA and government STAFFERS amidst frantic WASHINGS to remove the sin of horse, tiger, and dog, the ones he saw in his sleep. The animal sounds he made despite his hatred for them. None of this makes sense to a rational mind until you understand the vileness of STUART’s actions.

STUART once lived in a town in Virginia called HIGHWAYMAN. A woman in this town went by the name of Tiger-Horse-Dog MCFADDEN. Virginians believed she practiced bestiality. She claimed to love animals roaming free in her field known as ENLIVEN PACKARD.

You can be the judge of the MALEVOLENT forces shown towards a woman who loved animals.

STUART, the ANXIOMATIC ATTRACTOR, once said, “It’s a self-evident sin between woman and beast.” He took matters into his own hands. The woman said, when she still had a voice and throat, how the animals were pets. But this notion of beast and animal instilled in the folks of HIGHWAYMAN, Virginia, such hatred fueled by the sight of her naked at different times stroking an animal’s fur. No one believed in her pets or the nakedness of pure innocence she exuded walking into her field. She brought one animal in the field at a time with the golden grasses swaying. She knew the animals’ limits. Horse, dog, and tiger each her passions, each enemies of the other, when she was petting one in the field, the other growled, neighed, or barked.

But the sight of her exposed breasts brushing against the horse’s mane, petting the dog, or sitting beside the tiger awoke fear and loathing in the minds of well respecting people. Soon HEADACHES arose, so painful with woe the neighbors wailed, the PAIN CORED right through their heads they said.

They now say the memory of her sin is SQUEAKY clean for STUART amended the ill begotten ways of Tiger-Horse-Dog McFadden.

STUART, the father of the town of HIGHWAYMAN, unleashed the gracefully balanced EICHMANN, the tiger, while the woman petted her dog named MUFFIN LANDERS. The dog’s ears shot up with ALERTNESS, the BULKS of MCFADDEN’s thighs dragged under EICHMANN’S jaws. But STUART didn’t stop there. He went into the stable and led JACKMAN, the horse, into the field. The dog SCREECHED. The horse GROVELED in a CIRCLET SIGHING around the woman’s bloodied body.

Acting like a CHEAT, STUART taunted the woman’s pets, pouring dog food and hay on the woman’s body hanging from the mouth of the tiger. An ACTUARIAL shouted: “it’s too much;” but they were animals after all. The horse launched into the tiger with such ferociousness, the woman’s legs flew out the tiger’s mouth.

The now legless Mcfadden screamed her last as the tiger bore down on her throat. The horse charged at the tiger with such RANKNESS and DETERMINATION all you could see were the repeated FLICKS of its TAIL and MUFFINS getting trampled under the horse's hooves.

STUART mocked the woman, who once was a teacher. He yelled EMINENTLY into the field, “WEIGH SCRANTON your sins now,” the MERGE of sin he claimed to want, the one he created instead.

VIRGINIANS, who owned the land, later DISCERNED its CONTENTS: blood, bone, and fur. “A ROOKIE DEATH,” they shouted, “a sinner’s death” dignity gone, “ABANDON sin,” they shouted. Wanting a souvenir of sin, a piece of tiger’s fur, the horse’s mane, they scrambled into the bloodied remains.

And PUBLICIZE this “yes,” they said “for all to see the mayhem, the day logic and sin OVERWRITES the town of HIGHWAYMAN.” Feeling so proud, they claimed to have saved a woman’s soul in PROTEST against evil, good prevailed. So be it, the slaughter of bestiality, the sin of coupling with animals, outweighed the bloodshed they rationalized.

“BEHOOVE the warning,” the VIRGINIANS shouted for all to hear. The AMMUNITION of hatred is so rampant now no stranger dares to wander into HIGHWAYMAN. It is said now, “it is guarded against animal and beast.” But it is guarded with hatred. Even the GANDER known previously to ROAST in the sunlight in the golden grasses in the woman’s field are no more.

MORNINGS forever after the VIRGINIANS will speak of this slaughter. A PERCENTILE still believe it is the woman’s fault for saying she liked the tiger, the horse, the dog, and no man. A CONVEYER BRACELET now hangs from the sign marking the bloodshed. It’s all that remains from STUART’s last attempt at DYNAMITTING the land. It is said now, “he loved the woman and wanted her without tiger, dog and horse.” The VIRGINIANS say Stuart was most AMBITIOUS and FURTIVELY pursued the woman.

STUART, now in the mental hospital, CHISELS WOOD, to HUMIDIFY himself so he says. The VIRGINIANS say he’s crazy. Every day he carves a woman’s head on a tiger’s body with a horse’s mane and a dog’s tail over and over. At night they say you can hear him growl, bark, and neigh.

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