From “Loopdeeloopy Lala’s Collection of Letters, Astrological Predictions, Advice to the Lorn of Love, News Reports, and Useless Household Hints.”
Unanswered Love Letters
I thought I’d hear back from you when I told you I killed the kid. I did it for you. You said you hate kids. Please call. I’ve been waiting by the phone for weeks and am now thin with practically no breasts or hips and I know you like women like that.
You said you wouldn’t get serious about a girl if she didn’t have sex with you by the third date. So I let you have sex with me and that was about 4 months ago in case you remember. I’m not complaining, but I don’t get why I haven’t heard from you since. I mean you said you wanted your mother to meet me and you’d take care of my dogs next month when I have to visit my grandfather in Singsing and get a new set of teeth in Mexico. I really trusted you! This is my last email. Your stupid cell phone is either off or too full to take messages. If you don’t reply, I’ll marry my cousin Howard cause you gave me warts (you know where) and I hate him.
How are you? I don’t understand why you haven’t answered my calls. You wanted to go to La Vache Bleue on Valentine’s Day, so I took you to La Vache Bleue, which cost me two weeks’ salary. You wanted a Prague handbag, Shalimar perfume, and a Christian Dior silk nightie for your birthday, so I bought them, which cost me three weeks’ salary and when you wore the perfume I got so nauseous I thought I’d pass out.
You wanted to go on a luxury cruise down the Nile, so I bought two tickets, which cost me five months’ salary, and then when I got sick, you said you’d give my ticket to your girlfriend Priscilla. Then I don’t hear a word from you after I call and leave messages on your answering machine. Then I can’t leave messages cause the mailbox is full and the emails bounce which is why I’m sending this registered snail-mail which means I have to drive nine miles to the post office and you know my old Chevy is almost finished breaking down and now I can’t afford a new car. You don’t even send a card on my birthday which I spend all by myself. So I call Priscilla to find out if you’re ok, and she says she didn’t go on the cruise and she hasn’t heard from you since you left and can’t talk cause she has to rush out to get surgery on her nose.
Well I hope you get this but maybe you fell overboard and were eaten by a Nile crocodile. Just kidding. Let me know.
Dear Big Bernie,
Gee I hope you remember me we had a toss in the hay so to speak one night in June. You know I was wearing my diagram and we was listening to some guy by the name of Barttock and the pigs was going honkers and I never heard from you again and now I’m just about exploding with this big fruit in my belly what keeps on growing. Momma told me not to tell you but I thought you’d want to know my diagram had a hole in it I guess but not that you could see. So figuring you got all this money and all maybe you could help me out? I mean you said you loved me in the middle of it all and I told you the same and thought it was forever though maybe not cause you looked at me funny when you dropped me off but whatever you never answered my calls and your secretary said you was on a trip somewhere maybe something like the Yookootan looking for some special brood of pigs what draw slays in winter for tourists.
Well I reckon you know how to reach me darling whatever happens I’ll name the joy after you either Bernard or Bernadette and hope it looks like me.
Dear Baby Doll,
I was hoping to take you to Disney World, but you haven’t answered my emails. I wish you would! You told me you thought I was cute! It was real nice to meet you and I thought you liked riding side saddle on my Harley, eating dinner at Frankie Starr’s Lip Smacking Tee-Bones and going to NASDECK to see the races, but for you bringing that guy along you said was your brother on weekend leave from Affganistan. He looked nothing like you and I saw him winking at you and it looked like you were holding hands under the bleechers. You must be awefully close which is nice because family values are important.
Anyways, I bought me a new spiffie cowboy hat and I’m reading that book you suggested I get, you know, by that Russian guy can’t spell his long name that ends in sky. I like a smart woman that reads magazines and stuff. My ex had a subscripion to Ladies Home Journal. This Russian guy is complicated tho you know what I mean, like someone to sink my dentures into. LOL.
Well, I guess I’ll just wait by my computer here to see what you say. Or you can call me at 909-9967. If Barky answers, just say “woof woof, good daddy’s doggy” and he’ll fetch me.
Ma Cherie, I gaze at your photo during beaucoup beaucoup de months, only now to obtain the courage to write. As I am describing myself on lovemetender.net, I am an astrophysiciste descending from Voltaire and a father who is as you say an mogule of oil. I seek a young woman with beauty, culture, and enlightened mentalitee. I hope you understand my tongue.
Alors, I offer to whisp you away from your desolee city of the gray clouds for the 12 course candlelight diner with the gypsy violinists in my chateau on Arborius 7 (secret planet in the 7th soleil system), an voyage to its 7 moons in my grand celestial bateau, and the partaking of beaucoup de cultural events tout le monde and beyond.
You demand a photo bien sur, so I have only one a little old before I went to the dentiste. I hope I pass.
I love your bee bit lips and I am so impressionated!
Je t’embrasse, ma petite chou!
Dear Mr. Taylor:
I have just been retained to represent Ms. Lotta Screems. You may recall that she wrote to you about your product the Vibrolux/Clotomax Premiere Edition several months ago and you failed to respond to said communication.
I understand that you were arrested last week and are currently being held in premature house detention on charges of reckless womanslaughter (7,003 counts), email fraud (12,457 counts), unborn child molestation (3,673 counts), negligent virtual sodomy (I forget how many counts), and RICO (23,238 counts). Accordingly, I do not expect a response from you, and indeed have been informed that your 14 Macs and 19 PCs were seized and quarantined as evidence. But my client, understandingly, has unrequited, rightful retribution urges and has therefore requested most strenuously that I write to tell you she has every intention of suing you, in and out of prison or ankle bracelets or sanctuaries foreign and near, and in fact it is my obligation as an officer of the court to advise you that we have successfully garnished a your immodest bank account, anticipating your imminent attempt to transfer your assets to one of those money laundering countries inimical to the interests of law-abiding Americans.
Ms. Screems suffers from irreversible paralysis that struck her on May 14th. I am certain that you are well aware what caused this tragic condition; there is no need to elaborate at this point. Ms. Screems, a grandmother who can no longer work due to said disability, is confined to a substandard hospital, as she cannot afford a mediocre one. Her insurance company is refusing to cover her expenses, claiming that she knew what she was getting into when she used your product. They have also claimed that they do not cover medical conditions related to “female issues.” Accordingly, she must pay $549 per day for her shared room with 6 (without television). Ms. Screems's first medical bill totaled $8,900.00 (8 times the amount of taxes she paid the government in 2009). Needless to say, the doctors have done nothing but pat her hands, pinch her cheeks, order tests, and talk to the female nurses on the floor, who talk to each other when the doctors aren't around. The doctors are holding her “for observation.” She is growing yellow from malnutrition and is rapidly losing massive amounts of weight.
While my client expects no more remorse from you than that felt by Massey Energy Co. CEO Don Blankenship --who stated this week that he does not feel guilty about the Upper Big Branch mine disaster that killed 29 of his workers, and cannot rule out another mining disaster because of the industry's inherent dangers-- a bouquet of pale pink geraniums would be a nice gesture.
Mada Gaff, Attorney at Law
Gaff, Geff, Goff, and Guff, Ltd.
674 Thornhill Way,
Scranton, Pa. 18505